Saturday, August 06, 2005

"You Show Me Something & I'll Tell You Like It Is..."

-- August 6th, 2005 --

That is what kept ringing in my head as I made my journey to the Student Center. "You show me something and I'll tell you like it is..." This will probably be my last blog post for awhile -- and I'm not saying that just so y'all can hit me up with replies. I have been held down for a long time in my life. Not by anyone but the man in the mirror. I've used crutches, excuses, and the like to make it up in my mind that I ain't shit. I cannot continue to think, feel, and act like this for it not only poisons my accomplishments, but it also pollutes the ones who I admire most in my life. Would Will ever tell Jada, "Baby, you had multi-million dollar success with the Matrix, but I didn't crack shit with Hitch -- so I'm just going to give up?" Hell to the nah!!! He continues because his passion and her passion are just alike.

I love this writing shit. I love the experiences that it has cultivated and the connections that have been established from just putting pen to pad. I do not think that I am the best -- but I do believe that this is my talent. But I must sober up. I am a drunk. Someone who is intoxicated from other's hard work. From Blitz to Ms. Steele to G-Money -- I have been sippin' the sweet taste of their success. Not like I've kicked the bottle of my own coattails -- I still highlight the work that I do on the net with Allhiphop or SOHH.com. But with those come slight glances as to what I can do if I really believe. I rarely believed that I could make it. I shortchanged myself ever since I was a teen, because I didn't know. Truth of the matter, it wasn't in me to find out. The motivation has been presence only in flashes and left as such. My parents have said that for at least a decade. "I wish that you had some of the drive to make it," or "You have the potential, now only if you had the drive to complete it."

I am a writer -- who hasn't challenged himself to truly get better. Have not read books to continue to expand my vocabulary, who hasn't even taken workshops to see if I can see a different way to approach a subject. My cop-out has always been that I didn't know. I didn't know was either a way for me to elaborate on why something wasn't completed or why something wasn't learned. I am a dreamer. In love with the world unfazed by reality -- which is why I am weak in most areas. I have a wake-up call. Truth hurts when it is from the voice of someone you admire. From Blitz to Ms. Steele to G-Money -- they all have said in reference to what they see Kevin as versus what Kevin could be accomplishing.

I thought to myself at a young age that I wouldn't die in Kent like my peers. I wouldn't be in Kent past a certain age because all of my "friends" were still here. At soon-to-be 23, I feel that I am doing good on accomplishing that goal. But... it. is. not. enough. The fire in me was ignited, truly, by Ms. G-Money's challenge of challenging one's self to be better. That was mid-December of 2004 and from that point on I have done more things in eight months with my writing than I have ever done just milling around getting remarks just because I could. From my first piece in HipHopDX.com to my latest one at SOHH.com -- I have been able to defy my own limitations that I didn't even see because I enjoyed what it was that I am doing. I have ever article I have written from then on saved, not only because it's what you should do, but because those are people who I can say, "Kevin has personally talked to..."

I am inspired by the accomplishments as others and use it as a tool or substance in which to validate or manifest my own destiny. Whereas, that is somewhat what we all do in our life -- I have yet to understand my own clock. What drives me to be me? I have a fear of failure, it hinders me from even trying some times because I do not want the rejection. I have a need to be wanted -- growing up I never felt "wanted", I have only felt as if I was there to be a follower. I felt that I knew everything and that was even wrong because when it came time to learn something, I was conceited enough to believe that I already was on top of the game. I believe that once you have someone who matches up and is there, TRULY there to ensure the growth of a union -- then changes will have to be made.

But this is one that I need to do for self. This is a journey that I need to have understood so that I, as a man, can truly become one. I am not independent of my parents [not to the extent that I should be at almost 23]. I want to be the person that I portray on Life's TV. In some regards, I am -- vibrant, strong, committed, earnest, and the like. But it amounts to shit if you aren't pursuing something. I cannot continue to praise the accomplishments of others without creating my own to be praised for self. The previous works, albeit worthwhile, are not unique to anyone. If I do an interview with Proof of D-12 for SOHH.com, chances are Allhiphop.com is in the works of doing one too. So what is unique about that? What is unique about me?

My desire is to be a great and accomplished writer -- not just in the vein of magazines, but anywhere that talent takes me. My loves are my influences. Television, the Internet, Radio, Music and Movies are all the things that encompass my culture.

I am complacent. I am so sure that this string of luck will continue that I do not make an avenue to create a new one if the other falls short. I did have it in me to discontinue my relationship with a certian online publication because it was raping me and others were providing better challenges. But I cannot continue to live being defined by mediocrity and passing it off as being the best. Whether that is fishing for compliments from the missing or assignment dropping to my friends just for the sake of hearing a "Wow." I do not want to die living in Kent, I do not want to live the rest of my days wondering, "What if?" I do not want to allow the woman in my life to feel as if she is dealing with someone who is afraid to pursue. Especially when I pursued her!!! It all revolves. And in the end it all boils down to myself -- what drives me? Is it to be the best, I feel so -- I do have a competitive spirit. But is it the best that I am doing or just settling for what is offered at the time? If so, how do you surpass what is being given to you and make a mountain out of a mole hill?

2 Comments:

Blogger Dayrell said...

Good luck exploring Kev. Searching is indeed beautiful.

*smile*

August 8, 2005 at 3:13 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post kevin, its a wonderful thing when a man can take what a woman who loves him says as encouragement and not NAGGING as most men would.

August 8, 2005 at 6:30 PM

 

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