Friday, May 13, 2005

"Summertime Love" (bka "Fear of a Broken Heart")

-- May 13th, 2005 --

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The weather is finally cooperating with people's emotions. Friends and family are all warm-hearted and light-spirited with one another. Love usually runs amuck during this time of the year -- or is it being single? Hmm... I think more people are single during the warm weather than when it's cold. Which puts me in a compromising feeling.

I am a good man. I feel that when all the chips are down I treat my woman with the love and respect that she deserves and needs in her life. But I feel as if I am letting my insecurities getting the best of me. No rehab can help, I really do not know what can -- all I know is that I have to beat it before it beats me. Because if I lose, I lose everything -- the wife, the future, the love, the companionship -- all due to an insecurity called...

"Fear of a Broken Heart"

I don't know why it is rearing its ugly head now, especially when things are going so beautifully between myself and the missus. She's about to be closer to me, we get to spend a lot more QT building our relationship, and I keep inserting my foot into my mouth. I know, I know -- simple prescription -- stop doing it, stupid. But, lately, it hasn't failed to amaze me how much I can ruin a good thing. Whether that is from me saying it vocally or my actions. The surprising factor in all of this is that she still is staying with me. The goal in all of this: marriage. A beautiful union between two people. What is the cause behind this fear, you ask? Is it other guys? What could it possibly be, you inquire?

My first thought was that maybe that I am giving too much and wanting too much of the same. That old adage that you get out of it what you put into it -- type thing, ya know? I try to challenge myself to keep my woman guessing and anticipating, so that she knows that somehow, someway, K-Star the Great will truly come through with some sort of surprised blessing. I pride myself on that fact of wanting to be the best in her eyes and accomplishing truly amazing things. Whether it's simplistic and didn't cost me a dime or if it was truly elaborate and I broke the bank -- the thing that remains constant is that she didn't have any idea of what was to come. I don't know how to diagnose that -- because I love seeing her smile and I love how she feels when she is like that.

My second thought was that maybe what was thrown out into the world is soon to come true. You know how they say that you can sometimes speak things into existence? Well, there is a timeline put upon relationship and it may or may not come true. I pray to the Lord above that that is not his Will -- I really do. Investing your all and then some into something that you are physically and mentally (almost there financially) ready to spend the last days of your life with is a sad thing if it doesn't pay off heavily. I love the woman I am with. She's the only one who suits me the way that makes me feel comfortable and happy. I am not the type to turn my back on a GREAT thing, especially when she's created a better man out of me. So, the question is -- is the expiration on our relationship true...? Or is it all depending on us -- her and I to make it all work out?

My last thought was that it's me. That it is all my fault (in a sense, follow me...) -- that by me being negative or a HUGE worrywart (i.e. insecurity) will cause her to give up, throw up her hands and say, "I'm done." My last thought is that eventually, I will shoot my own self in the foot. I will be the murderer in my own tragic comedy. That I had the ideal thing that I was looking for and didn't know how to accept the fact that "thing" wanted me. It would devastate me to have that happen... but I see the affects happening already. Somehow, someway there seems to be some space between us -- whether through communication or affection, something is lacking. And I am the cause in it -- somehow. I made a promise that on my part to pick up the adrenaline and I will be a man of my word.

To finalize this post -- do not be a captive of your own fears, like I am. Only you (I) can release yourself from the torture that you (I) implement. To those who may be involved with someone like this (me), please try to understand. Please try to be there. Make it known more than anything that you may do for that day, anything that may happen, period -- how you feel. Because what it all boils down to is that I need your love (G.P.), I need your compliments, I need your energy, time and focus to help break me out of whatever it is that my mind is concocting. The truth is -- I need to know that I have you. Essentially that is what man's fear is -- that he doesn't have 100% of the "thing" that he desires. And when a man begins to question what the future holds (whether vocally or mentally) it affects everything.

I have never been afraid of the choice I have made by being in this relationship and I am not turning down or away from a great thing that I have with a great woman who'll give me the World if I just have the balls to ask for it. I know I am still rambling, but bear with me -- I'm thinking as I go along.

Before anyone thinks that I have doubts in my relationship, let me emphatically state that -- I know where my heart lies. It's just difficult to combat the feeling of wanting someone so badly that you may end up ruining what you already have. It's called pace. And I think that my heart is not catching up to the love that we have already established and reveling in it. I don't know. These are my thoughts and I am expressing them as such. But in the end, G.P., I love you so much and I need you as my wife to make life complete. You are the best and I can only continue to show you that you are.


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