Wednesday, December 01, 2004

"Never Been In Love"

-- December 1st, 2004 --

I lied. I have been in love before. It was with my ex and she was my first everything. I would go to the mountaintop and choke a llama for that girl at the time. It was that deep. The relationship was that strong. It wasn't all smooth and trust me, I didn't ALWAYS like her -- but I stuck it out because love was what kept her name from coming off of my lips everytime.

That was some time ago and with the end of that union came bitterness and anger towards womankind. I spent that time healing, trying to date, coming to grips with the fact that not every woman was like her. Even last year, I was dating, in search of someone who was compatible to my needs and wants -- I was ready to be in a relationship at that time. It didn't happen. Again, I was pushed off to the other side for someone who was the "thug" or "pretty boy" or whatever trend appeared to be the now as opposed to who I was as a Black man who wasn't looking for anything more than someone to spend some time with. With 2004 slowly coming to an end, I wasn't looking -- I mean I would complain about how stupid females had to be to not notice me -- the same generic complaints that any single person would make. But I didn't make it necessary for me to do anything. I wasn't dating, I wasn't worried about it, maybe to a fault. I hadn't come to a good enough grips with myself to even believe that I was capable of maintaining and keeping a relationship healthy and going strong. I am apprehensive lightweight with the journey that I am trying to take now that I am feeling a Sistah who is interestested in me.

Since I have become a full-functioning Adult (21+) -- I have not been in a relationship since and my apprehension in this case is that I do not want to mess up a good thing. Whether that be with my lame jokes or corny expressions (strictly a Kent thing, I'm positive.. lol) -- I really appreciate this Sistah's presence. But I know nothing is perfect, I REALLY know that nothing is promised in a relationship -- it's just that when I look into her eyes I question if I have what it takes to keep that sparkle there, that smile across her face. I'm pretty sure that I can. But what do you do when you've been out of the loop. With these things it's pretty much hit or miss and I wouldn't want to miss out on a good thing that she represents right now by being in my presence.

Is it a fear of failure that may hold me back from just grabbing onto this feeling with both hands and just riding it out? It might be...? I really do not know. I am pretty sure that it has some part to play in it. They always say that "actions speak louder than words" and so far the actions on both sides have been honesty and forthright. The game that is being played is amicable and fair. I should just appreciate that for what it is and not spend too much time overthinking the possibilities and nuances that may or may not happen. ...But it's hard when you see the innate good within a person and are familiar with your own flaws. Harder when you sometimes don't feel that they'll work themselves out in the long run.

I may have been in love before -- I may have been burned by the one who I chose to receive my heart. But I do understand that everyone deserves their chance to shine, no matter what the circumstances may be. No matter what fear lurks inside of myself, the actions that have played themselves out during this courtship have been a blessing for me, a light in the midst of a dark time filled with uncertainty and doubt. Acknowledging that, I am trying to go into this new chapter in my life living it and enjoying it with her, G.P., as if I've never been in love before.


Blogger kiesha said...

"Is it a fear of failure that may hold me back from just grabbing onto this feeling with both hands and just riding it out"

shiiiit that's the story of my life, not just in relationships, but life in general. you have a very positive attitude. on an unrelated note, you are sure on a roll lately with all these new posts lol.

December 1, 2004 at 10:49 PM

Blogger K-Star said...

Thanks. Let's just say I've been inspired lately..

December 2, 2004 at 8:22 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

||c.o.n.t.r.a.d.i.c.t.i.o.n||--that's really beautiful..and im sure she deserves to be loved like you have never loved before. best wishes on your new journey

December 2, 2004 at 6:43 PM

Blogger Dayrell said...

Stop worrying man. I'm sure you'll be just fine...without a doubt! Stop "thinking/analyzing" everything so much and just go with the flow. Enjoy the moment. Put your brain to rest for a little while and listen to your heart (on this one). Let your heart be your guide and you can't go wrong...


Trust me.

December 4, 2004 at 1:45 AM

Blogger Dayrell said...

PS: Hint, hint...remember our little discussion about "observation"...well hey, then you know what to do right?


December 4, 2004 at 1:48 AM

Blogger Shana said...

In matters of the heart. . .you have to love as if you've never been hurt. I'm not saying to forget the past . . . because if you forget it you'll repeat it. . . what I'm saying is don't dwell. . .consider it a lesson learned and move on with the hope that this time will be even better. After all. . .it's not a tragedy to have loved and lost. . . the tragedy comes if you've never loved at all.

December 8, 2004 at 11:09 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just play it cool...I'll keep you posted

December 9, 2004 at 12:24 AM

Blogger Meka said...

Just have faith. Don't let your past dictate your future. Give this lady a chance and if it doesn't work out try to take something positive from the experience for the next time. Good Luck!

December 9, 2004 at 1:22 PM


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