Thursday, December 30, 2004

"Soul To Soul"

-- December 30th, 2004 --

Critics, haters, disrespectful Negroes, chickenheaded Sistahs -- all beware... I am IN love... I welcome you all in the challenge of telling me why I am wrong, why it seems like it's too soon, why this, why that... You'll have a hell of a time trying to prove me otherwise. There will always be someone trying to knock you down -- but the question why when it comes to matters of the heart?

This woman is mines. Understand that when you see her, you see me -- and vice versa. Our relationship is one where it is a friendship first, dramatics don't play a part in our union. The underestimations that those who choose to believe that this isn't a thing that'll last can frankly -- kiss my ass. Does this go out to anyone in particular -- maybe? Maybe not? You be the judge.

It's a beautiful thing when someone loves you back. When they love you as an equal and not in regards of what you can do for them, as opposed to what you can do with them. She loves me for who I am. My faults, my shortcomings, even my broke status -- and I her. I see the connection that we have and appreciate the blessing that it is. Instead of letting it continue to be something there in disguise, masked as a feeling that we both shared, but never admitted too -- I am letting the cat out of the bag, so to speak. She is my rib. It's funny -- I thought that I would never love anyone because it was hard to trust people (see how close love and trust are...) -- but with her we are always at ease.

Trust, hmm... That is such a big word seldomly used nowadays. You see it on TV with shows like "Cheaters" and "The Maury Povich Show" with its paternity tests. In our music, you don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many painful songs in R&B you hear from your favorite contemporary artists to the "fuck-a-bitch" anthems that decorate any said rapper in the Rap genre. Have our lives become that fragile to where we crumble at the mere sight of an indiscretion? This is not to say that I condone any dastardly deed in a relationship. But I say to you this -- our music, our programming -- reflects the times, it tells the tale about how we as a people feel. So, is it safe to say that we're afraid to love? In the midst of turmoil, what do we have left in this World -- EXCEPT -- love?!!? Love is a chance at fulfilling your soul.

But is that a chance that people are willing to take? I am. Haters don't seem to recognize that attribute. For the fear that they withhold inside of themselves, spending time deconstructing the means of my relationship, they starve their own nourishment of their soul. My woman feeds my soul, as much as she can when she cooks for me. My woman instills growth and security in my ability to effectly love her as being her man. I see a future with her, defined as a goal, revealed as truth in my heart. And you know what they say about envisioning your goal down the road -- you'll always strive to succeed and see that goal accomplished. My life, my love, my heart is hers to co-own. I again say, that she is my rib. My vision is definitely 20/20.

Love is blind. That's how the saying goes. But it is a sight to behold for those who appreciate it and let is grow. Do you think the Greats don't see that and enjoy it? Ozzie Davis & Ruby Dee, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are just a few examples. Do you not think that they love each other? Sure, there are going to be rough moments. There are going to be times when you don't see eye to eye, when you might NOT agree with one another -- but if you let that become the definition of your relationship then you need not be in anymore. Love is our ultimate goal. Loving each other just happens to be the benefit of having a unified desire in mind. I Love my Lady Love -- there is no other way that you can tell me different. Not saying that those in the past have affected me negatively, nor saying that the future is certain...

Because it is sure if you feel it in your heart, and the person accompanying you on your journey is as well. A healthy partnership breeds a healthy relationship -- just as it is in business, the same can be said when concerning matters of the heart... and her heart matters to me.

She has touched my soul in a way where it breathes life into anything that I set to put my mind too. I would like to think that I have done the same. In the time that we spend together, I pray that this feeling continues to grow and usurp the minds of those who like to think otherwise. That is not trying to prove to others the validity of my relationship -- the proof is our actions. And if you don't think that that's enough -- just watch... give it time... you'll be amazed as to what two motivated Black youths can do when love is involved.

I love you, G.P. -- My message from me to you.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

"What's Really Real..?!!?"

-- December 18th, 2004 --

"What makes her human? We know lots of good things about her; I want to know what makes her real."

Good question. My thought on that is that I think those things that I spoke about in "Speechless" ARE what makes her human, what makes her genuine, and real... You would like to speculate that this is mere infactuation or the notion of since I have not been in a relationship for said amount of time that the idea of being with someone who suits my needs (or criteria) is all that I am looking at right now.

I disagree. I mean -- everyone wants their relationship to be drama-free, exempt from lies and situations that seems to hinder every relationship. We have not came to that iceberg, yet. I pray that we don't ever come to that point. Yes, she has flaws, just like I do. But the key is not in our differences, but in our similarities and how we benefit from those being unique between her and I. What's real in my eyes and heart is the change that she's implemented in my being since meeting and getting to know her. Not the type where she's the nagging old lady who says that I have to do this.. "or else," but she's the type who's past has shown me that I have the ability to do the same. It's kind of like what my friend Blitz said after we parted ways from doing business together. He asked me what am I going to do, what is my plan for five years down the road...? Because he was going to continue to do what his passion called of him and wasn't going to stop just because I was no longer a part of the ride. As anyone would do in that predicament. But I see that time is no longer on one's side and that if you are to preserve some sort of legacy that you must make sure that all angles are covered.

I cannot blame my parents for my shortcomings -- even if they are responsible. Because I am a grown man -- if I do not utilize my power to change my destiny, then what am I to become -- an empty vessel? I cannot blame my place of residence for not being able to experience anything outside the confines of Ohio -- because I have the means and the drive to do so. In part, this is her doing because of the sheer enthusiasm that she has for culture. Something that I've mildly been interested in and never afraid to try. She has coerced the Jay-Z/'Pac in me to come out and attack the World. A feeling that has been brewing in me before introducing her into my life, but, when you become a partner in a relationship -- you have the feeling or the want to make sure the person that you are to be with can feel secure in knowing that you WILL handle your business. I have always been the underdog. Too skinny, too short, unlikely to survive the "real world," not strong enough, just has the potential... I have had few in my corner willing to represent for who I feel that I truly am and have it be the same that they see in my persona. She does. A feeling that I would hope grows more and more with even endeavor that we choose to be a part of.

I like her really hard -- and with that feeling, I'm not looking to fall on my face, dig?!!? I've never had a short-term goal when it came to being in a relationship. So, to answer the question, I choose to believe that the comments highlighted on the "Speechless" piece is an accurate portrayal of who she is -- we don't argue, we compromise. Differences aren't meant with seething criticism, they're either worked out, or let go because it's not that important. I trust her now more than I trust most people who've been in my life for years. They are only a handful of people who I can say holds that must respect from me. Until things happen that chinks her armor, I am happy, what's really more real than that?!!?


-- December 18th, 2004 --

I just really want to wish everyone a great and joyous, "Christmakwanukkah"....

Thursday, December 16, 2004


-- December 16th, 2004 --

This past year, since the end of 2003 -- at least, I had been ranting and raving about how I couldn't find anyone who was a young, attractive, driven, Black female who was on the same level as me. Some tried... all failed to find a place even remotely close to my heart. I spent 2004 giving advice to friends about what they can do with their relationships, et cetera, earning the nickname -- The Black Dr. Phil. All the while thinking that something might've been wrong with me, that maybe I didn't exude enough confidence that they needed or that I wasn't the type that is popular nowadays in 2004. I wasn't a bling-blingy person, like I used to be in my High School stages. No need to wear a chain with a medallion piece or have a overly-extensive wardrobe. I felt more comfortable in sweats and a tee or in jeans and the same. Didn't fit into the whole "pretty boy," "baby face" category. I mean when I DON'T shave you can add on about five or six years to the age that I am (i.e. -- 22 now, don't shave, think 27-28).

So I stopped. I stopped with the dates. I tried to even stop complaining about not having anyone because it was no longer worth my time. That was the only concern in my mind at the moment -- time. Lack of it, wanting more of it, not being able to do all of what you want to do once you have enough of it -- it became my drug. It became my saving grace. I had learned more about myself through having the time needed to grow into myself and dedicate more work to a work in progress. Sure, there are times just like any man or woman would tell you when the best thing in the World is the inviting smile of another who is feeling your style. There were episodes in which I was indeed rubbed the wrong way by females actions because I was more than confident in my own person and believed that they suited me and that they should be on this side of the fence... where the grass is greener. But alas, that was not to be so...

So... I stopped... It was a liberating experience. Time had passed and I came across this beautiful young lady, whose drive and dedication was incredible. I guess that that is one of my turn-on's. I was really feeling her. The vibe was/is definitely there. In a few past entries, most people who've read this know who I am talking about so there is no need for introduction. But I am happy and relieved to say that I am with her in a relationship. Wow... me... in a relationship... It's a beautiful thing to have someone in your life who likes you real hard. I feel the same way. The hard part is always trying to make it last. See, women are smart individuals -- you can try to sell them a dream, but they'll always see through the routine (unless you're one of those bobblehead girls)... I love my Woman's intelligence, I think it's sexy how far she has used her intellect to her advantage. Graduating in two and a half years, landing a well paying gig, a lot of inspiring things that makes me.. as a man.. look at my life. She's a beautiful woman whom I consider my "Jada" -- she makes me feel like I can conquer anything that is in my path.
I really appreciate her being in my life. I understand that the beginning of the relationship is always the high -- but I want to treat everyday like it's the first day that we met. The excitement. All of that. That is my intention is to grow into a better man that I can continue appreciate the Woman that she is in my life and come to see a fruitful future with her walking by my side.

"The Boyz..."

-- December 16th, 2004 --

College has to be one of the most rewarding experiences that you can ever have in your life. This picture was taken this year at a party that my boy, Jelani (pictured above throwing up the Kappa Diamond), was throwing. I say that it's rewarding because I've been able to still enjoy the friendship with those who I've known since High School and become as tight of friends with those whom I've met through College.

Us, as Black men, are very unique people. Our personalities, our struggles, our immaturity, our growth, our strength defines us separately, but binds us collectively. My friends are some cool people -- we relate to one another. But... this may sound weird, but... our arguments are the funniest things I've ever been a part of...

Especially between the Twins... I've never seen two brothers go at it like they do. It's a battle for whatever they decide to argue about. Whether it's who gets the car or who has to clean up the room or whatever disagreement decides to rear its ugly head, it's always a show and me and the rest of the guys are there with popcorn and jokes to egg them on. Because you know that your friends are always going to instigate a situation before they diffuse the bomb that's ready to explode. Another cat who's always as entertaining is my boy, 'Quis -- he always so animated, full of energy and you can't argue with him for shit. Duke should be a lawyer, because he NEVER forgets anything and can always uses it for his advantage. I mean it is insane. Him and Jabari will get into it and 'Bari is just like his dad -- full of ANGER!!! ...if necessary... But 'Quis would be the only person that I know who could turn all that fireball of energy and rage into a shrill silence because he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

"The Boyz" an extension of my crew from High School -- many experiences have been had with these guys. My boy Ranon is one of the funniest guys I know. He can impersonate anybody if you give him enough time to watch your mannerisms. I respect all these people for their individuality and continued striving to be the best in what they desire to do with themselves. I am proud to call them my friends. It's good to have friends in this World, even when you feel like you're alone sometimes.

"What The @#$%...?!!!?!!?"

-- December 16th, 2004 --

On the eve of another Christmas celebration -- I have to do something new before 2005 approaches. It's going to be called...

"What The @#$%...?!!!?!!?"

The above picture is a result of this idea. Just lend your thoughts as to what you think these two are doing, why, and basically just dog the hell out of 'em.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

"The Black Eclipse"

-- December 9th, 2004 --

There must be something in the water. Pod people. A mass hypnosis. Something that has to explain why Black folks have been acting so loopy lately! My friend believes that it has to do with the eclipse that we had in the beginning of November.

The Eclipse Theory

She believes that since the eclipse that happened on that day that Black folks all across the U.S. have lost their natural born minds and became enraged for no apparent reason.

Some reasoning behind this is after the Eclipse, after my friend's pro show the Delta's and the Sigma Gamma Rho's got into a big melee fight. I mean BIG!!!! These were grown women acting like it was the Royal Rumble and the winner gets the championship belt. The fight eventually got broken up by Kent's "finest" as the Greeks left campus quickly in an assortment of automobiles....

...Only to find their way to an apartment complex (where most of them reside) and duke it out AGAIN!!!! This time they have an assortment of items -- a gun here, a knife there. Cops have to return to break it up and the report goes out through the wire that those females were doing it BIG out there that night. That the beef was that serious for them to go through those means of trying to hurt one another.

A couple of days after that -- a fight broke out after a party in Akron. I heard about this from one of the participants. He said that he saw these guys throwing up a sign that was a resemblance of a sign they throw up when they're in the club and these guys aren't from the same hood. So, words are exchanged, shoves and pushes are gradually given out through the rampaging song of Lil' Jon's "What We Gon' Do?!!?" -- a fight escalates. Shuts down the party. The occupants are filed outside where the fight continues; this time involving members of the security and Akron's police. Some of those who fought ran and dispersed getting away in their cars.

A week or so afterwards at SAME CLUB a fight broke out in the parking lot after the club was over. Some football players from an unmentionable University, just walked up to a dude who was poppin' off at the mouth and stomped him like it was Young Buck, T.I., and Ludacris. Duke got laid out like a mink rug. He wasn't moving. The police were on the scene, but those who were a part of it dipped out with the quickness. Nothing really could be done because those who left were so amped that they were talking too fly and it pissed off the cops who were there in the beginning to help them. Sucks for them, huh?

A week later -- the Piston and Pacers game. If you didn't see it... Wow.. You missed out on it. I mean the fan that got clocked by Ron Artest AND Jermaine O'Neal took that mess HARD!!! Ben Wallace should've gotten into it one on one with Artest and ROCKED him. Don't forget the Clemson fight -- I only seen highlights of that on Sportscenter. But still, I heard a dude who didn't have a helmet on got wrecked viciously.

All in all, we're giving people more and more incentive to say that we're overly-paid athletes or thugs with no home training. Do you think that this will continue? Is it because of the Eclipse or because of something else?

"Who Do We Thank?!!?"

-- December 9th, 2004 --

Roughly a month after the November 2nd, 2004 Presidental Election, after countless speeches, conventions, canvassing up and down people's streets trying to get Kerry into the White House...


And George W. Bush's reign of terror continues for the next four years. Someone CAN put a stop to it if they have the balls, but let's just go with the idea that Bush is not going anywhere soon. Has anyone else noticed the total revamping of his Cabinet? I mean out with the Old and in with the New, I guess. Bush is making more position changes than Paris Hilton in that sex tape. (I haven't seen the tape... lol)

It is a sad state of affairs that we live in when THE biggest Superpower in the World is trying to play Supercop.

Two things that people should see are --

The Secret Evil of 9/11 -- "Click Here"


The Pentagon Strike -- "Click Here"

So... the question is... who do we thank? Do we thank Kerry for making his conscious effort to bow out of a campaign that he couldn't win due to the fact that Bush seemingly was the "people's choice"..? Do we thank Bush for the things that he's going to work on for these next four years? Especially given his track record the last four years, should we thank him for at least being consistent? Do we thank P. Diddy...? He urged millions, as did the rest of the entertainment world, to "Vote or Die." With his shirts ranging from the $35-$47 price range (plus tax) -- how many of you are thankful that you bought one of his shirts? Even so, how many people should even be thankful that he was trying to get your voice (or was it his) heard?

Do we thank the people who voted this past Novemeber. In Ohio, the problem and fear was that those who were convicted felons did NOT have the right to vote. Very few publications or radio stations made that fact know that felons who fit a certain criteria did have the right to vote. This is going to be a very trying four years with this President leading the charge. The soldiers are already feeling the sting. G.I.'s questioned Rumsfield about not having the right armor to be protected as they make for their excursion (one-year long excursion) north of Iraq. Do we thank the Secretary of Defense for making our soldiers safe in the middle of enemy territory?

With all these changes happening both here and abroad, who are we to look to in order of seeing some type of glimmer of hope. Things look so bleek that the U.S. are asking for Kofi Annan's resignation? Why? Is it because he detests the war? That he is trying to strive for some type of peace in a World that has been deemed with so much corruption and betrayal. I guess that's why the U.N. decided to give him thanks for standing his ground -- by giving a standing ovation. Not something that hadn't happened since Bill Clinton went to speak during the "Lewinsky scandal".

In closing, are you ready for what is going to happen in these four years. The disenfranchised are going to be impoverished more if there is nothing to supplement some sort of income to those who are in need. Where have all the "champions" for a just cause gone? P. Diddy wanted to be a political activist, yet, after the election he's went on to try and conquer some other business endeavor that is going to benefit lining his pockets. All those who have the power to enlist some sort of change in American life, have become mute since Bush has won the election. Do we thank them for really showing us that there really aren't anymore revolutionaries anymore?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

"Never Been In Love"

-- December 1st, 2004 --

I lied. I have been in love before. It was with my ex and she was my first everything. I would go to the mountaintop and choke a llama for that girl at the time. It was that deep. The relationship was that strong. It wasn't all smooth and trust me, I didn't ALWAYS like her -- but I stuck it out because love was what kept her name from coming off of my lips everytime.

That was some time ago and with the end of that union came bitterness and anger towards womankind. I spent that time healing, trying to date, coming to grips with the fact that not every woman was like her. Even last year, I was dating, in search of someone who was compatible to my needs and wants -- I was ready to be in a relationship at that time. It didn't happen. Again, I was pushed off to the other side for someone who was the "thug" or "pretty boy" or whatever trend appeared to be the now as opposed to who I was as a Black man who wasn't looking for anything more than someone to spend some time with. With 2004 slowly coming to an end, I wasn't looking -- I mean I would complain about how stupid females had to be to not notice me -- the same generic complaints that any single person would make. But I didn't make it necessary for me to do anything. I wasn't dating, I wasn't worried about it, maybe to a fault. I hadn't come to a good enough grips with myself to even believe that I was capable of maintaining and keeping a relationship healthy and going strong. I am apprehensive lightweight with the journey that I am trying to take now that I am feeling a Sistah who is interestested in me.

Since I have become a full-functioning Adult (21+) -- I have not been in a relationship since and my apprehension in this case is that I do not want to mess up a good thing. Whether that be with my lame jokes or corny expressions (strictly a Kent thing, I'm positive.. lol) -- I really appreciate this Sistah's presence. But I know nothing is perfect, I REALLY know that nothing is promised in a relationship -- it's just that when I look into her eyes I question if I have what it takes to keep that sparkle there, that smile across her face. I'm pretty sure that I can. But what do you do when you've been out of the loop. With these things it's pretty much hit or miss and I wouldn't want to miss out on a good thing that she represents right now by being in my presence.

Is it a fear of failure that may hold me back from just grabbing onto this feeling with both hands and just riding it out? It might be...? I really do not know. I am pretty sure that it has some part to play in it. They always say that "actions speak louder than words" and so far the actions on both sides have been honesty and forthright. The game that is being played is amicable and fair. I should just appreciate that for what it is and not spend too much time overthinking the possibilities and nuances that may or may not happen. ...But it's hard when you see the innate good within a person and are familiar with your own flaws. Harder when you sometimes don't feel that they'll work themselves out in the long run.

I may have been in love before -- I may have been burned by the one who I chose to receive my heart. But I do understand that everyone deserves their chance to shine, no matter what the circumstances may be. No matter what fear lurks inside of myself, the actions that have played themselves out during this courtship have been a blessing for me, a light in the midst of a dark time filled with uncertainty and doubt. Acknowledging that, I am trying to go into this new chapter in my life living it and enjoying it with her, G.P., as if I've never been in love before.

"No Limits -- Resistance Is Futile"

-- December 1st, 2004 --

Life is funny sometimes. It seems like everyday a punchline can be inserted to inject some sort of humor into your mundane existence. The joke doesn't necessarily have to be funny to be funny. One the way to work... already late... and get a flat tire -- funny. We live life to serve a purpose. This meaning for our existence shrouded -- only being shown glimpses in abilities you possess through hereditary or habits learned from parents or other mentors.

It sucks to not know what you want to do with your life. The mystery of not knowing how it is all going to play out. True, you have those who know off bat what they're going to do and have the drive to accomplish that feat. But there are a multitude of people who are like myself and do NOT know what they to do with themselves. Parents can make suggestions, friends can over advice -- but in the end, it is all left up to you. I am beginning to believe that I have a gift with my writing. Friends, associates, many people who choose to just read my thoughts are impressed with the way that I write. I would love to know what I can do with that gift. I know and believe that there is no limit that you can go to if you choose it to be that way. But it is hard to take the sacrifices necessary in order to ensure your survival. The path that I have taken to be a better man started when I came across this thought one night...

"Your desire for success must outweigh your fear of failure."

It is the American dream to be more than well-to-do. To have no worries about how bills are to be paid, to have enough cars, money, et cetera -- to be able to live your life comfortably. We have been shown this through examples on television with our entertainers, our sporting events with well-known athletes, even affluent politicians who had been thrusted into the limelight profit off of the word known as "celebrity". Is that what it takes to ensure that your family has its needs fulfilled?

I do not believe so. Everyone would want their name to be known, to be able to be recognized. It would be a "godsend" to not have to worry about the house note or car not will be paid because the contract you just signed or the bi-weekly check that you received is more than enough to cover anything you wish to have in your entire life. I believe that that is possible, but it doesn't necessarily have to be with those examples listed above in order to ensure monetary prosperity. But this is just a rant from a young man at the age of 22 who is unsure still about what his purpose is on this Earth. The pieces are slowly coming into frame and I am losing fear about my abilities moreso as the days progress.

I am eager to conquer the World. To deny me is to deny my rightful place amongst those who have toiled long and hard to make a change in their life. Add my name to the list. I will be one to remember.