Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"Hurts So Bad, It Feels Good"

-- November 23rd, 2004 --

A friend once told me that once you've loved a Black woman with more than what is in your pants -- that it's hard to shake her from your system. Maybe then that is why some men put themselves in the predicament that they do? It must hurt to love someone but not able to love them fully 100 and 10 percent of your heart. To constantly have them come to you and be a part of your daily routine, but in the back of your mind you are somewhat annoyed at their increasingly bad habits, lazy demeanor, or inherit lack of trust that they show to you on the daily.

Worst that you've spent the bulk of your teenage years going into your adult stages still attached to a person who shows no real signs of changing. Or has the type of change where they say that THIS is what I'm going to do and they do it for one to two months and then they revert back to the same old tried and true self. You constantly feel addicted to their touch and generally are predisposed to wanting to be with the person. But for some reason... you cannot commit... Whether it be infidelity or otherwise, something is tugging at your heart not to let it go asunder. But will you adhere to that sign? Love is a powerful drug. And loving someone with your heart is as similar to shooting up drugs into the vein. The rush is indescribable. It's hard to tear yourself away from something that you've known for a large amount of time. Hence the reason why most people rarely REALLY stray from the person who captured their heart to begin with.

I was a victim at the time I was with my ex. This was long ago. I broke the bond that held us together. We were heading in two different paths -- she was still stuck on B2K, fights, and trying not to get put in juvie. I was expanding, thinking about our culture as Blacks, and trying to learn more about who I am as a Man. No conversation flowed forth from our lips. I was instantly angered when in her presence. The feeling may have been mutual. It may have became a who can use who type situation -- I don't know. But an event that happened back in the day made me believe in the power that is -- LOVE. It was this event that made me understand that anything can hurt so bad, that in the end -- somehow -- you feel good. Let me explain.

My ex and I were on the outs. We still talked. Thought that we were going to "work it out" -- in hindsight, that was never going to be, not on her part nor mines because there wasn't any "soul" left in the relationship. It was going to be my first time going to New York and I gave that trip up to help her get Driver's license. On the way down there, I was cool -- bumping the latest joint by Jay-Z and enjoying the Summer breeze. But the minute that she stepped into my car an icy feeling gripped the whole tripped to the DMV. No words were said. Hardly any movement except for shifting in the seat or adjusting the seatbelt or me occasionally changing the radio station. It was like a dreary feeling had placed itself in that vehicle. Time had passed. Made it to the DMV where she eventually failed her driver's test. I had to drive back to her house to drop her off. Angered because I gave up a trip to New York all so that she could fail to get her license didn't help either, because now she wanted to "try" and be cordial, when previously, my attempts at trying to get her to understand about manueverability were refuted vehemently. So... upon reaching her home... letting her out of the car... she came across and gave me a hug.

It was at that point where the mood changed. The monkey seemingly hopped off of our backs -- I didn't want to let her go. The love had welled up in my heart again off of a single touch of her body pressed on my. But my face held the truth. It was sheer confusion as to why would I, of all people, feel like this...?!!? I mean I was angry, upset, PISSED!!! Now, I was at ease?!!? She saw the look on my face and asked, "What was wrong?" But I didn't know how to put it into words. I told her that that would be the last time that she would see or speak to me though. Wrong, maybe? But something was telling me that the relationship was no longer right and that was a BIG SIGN!!!

So, I understand what some of my male friends may be going through. Wanting to leave behind someone who you thought had the potential to be your everything. But when the signs are written on the wall in fluorescent paint -- it's time to say goodbye. The hardest part of all. Because who wants to let someone go who may essentially care about you as a person. Furthermore, someone who is intimate with you where friends, associates, and family members cannot be. But, if you are constantly arguing, trying to run for the gate -- wishing to escape, and then stop once you're on the brink of freedom... then understand one thing...

Love has a hold on you... and isn't going to let go of your heart anytime soon. Sucks because a relationship holds circumstances that could hurt your heart so bad, but can feel good in the blink of an eye.


Blogger Dayrell said...

I feel you K-star. The love jones is very very very strange. :)

November 24, 2004 at 9:51 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i understand how you feel...remember when used to have conversations on my love life and never yours...and you always took his side because essentially i was doing him wrong, but we were stuck in that tangle of love and i finally let him go and am happy with where i'm at in my life with my love and he with me.

i'm glad that you had a happy birthday. you will have your DVD by January 13 because I don't know when I am coming to visit my family. You better get me something nice for my birthday seeing that i will be the big 2-1 plus i am out of the country and extra broke.

but anyways i just wanted to say hey since the option was available.

~Ms. Webb

November 25, 2004 at 5:32 AM


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