Monday, November 29, 2004

"I Believe I Can Fly..."

-- November 29th, 2004 --

I am a hopeless romantic. For a rehabed-cynic, born-again lover, the fact that I am still a hopeless romantic if surprising. Why? Because I believe that there is something out there that can unite my heart to another that leaves us with limitless possibilities to conquer the future. Some may attribute this feeling to G.P. -- which is in part true. I didn't expect or even fathom the feelings that I have for her would even be the case. It. Just. Happened. The other part is that everybody has the innate belief within themselves that there is, indeed, someone out there that compliments the person they are. I see that in G.P.

Although she knows how I may feel, I wonder has she ever looked into my eyes to search for herself? I'm one of those people where actions speak more volumes than words ever could. I look at her sometimes in disbelief, other times in admiration, but all in all I look at her. She always replies with a, "What?!!" -- like I should have something to say, but sometimes a Man loves to just bask in the glory that is a Woman. Which is why I am comfortable with where I am at with her.

Sunday, I finally believed that I could fly -- or at least outrun the police (inside joke...)...

I am not the most devout person. Ernest Angley may have me beat on the religious tip, but I am making the effort to learn. As I have stated in previous articles on this site, I had discrepencies with organized religion and so forth. To shorten it up -- the Black churches in Kent are either non-existent or corrupt. So, I ventured with G.P. to her Church. It was a good feeling. The fellowship was constant -- at every other turn it was a hug here or saying some kind word there. Which was welcomed. Even though I had a slight time adjusting to it, it was a good sight to behold. The Pastor or Preacher -- whatever you want to call him -- was great. He seemingly spoke to me. I would like to return. I know the drive is big -- but I know that it is a necessity for me to grown into a better man.

She was by my side. Any man would say that it's great to have a good woman who can compliment your strengths and weaknesses, but it's better to experience it. I welcome the challenges that are ahead of me with a strength that I never had in past relationships. Without being cliché, I have to say that, she is different. A welcomed change of pace. I want to learn her. Study who she is. As I would hope that the same is to be said from her. I am in a good place. She is a great way to bring in the new year. I never claim to be the smartest man or the best one at that -- but I would be the sheer opposite of those things if I were to let her fall by the wayside.

I am a hopeless romantic. And where this may be my attempt at laying my heart on the line for your reading pleasure, it is my professing of my admiration for someone who has definitely garnered my attention. Which is indeed not an easy thing to do. I believe that I can fly... and I am looking forward to no longer soaring in the clouds alone.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

"God & Girls"

-- November 27th, 2004 --

I am dating. Yes, once again I am taking that chance to express myself to the opposite sex. It seems to be working because one in particular is interested in me as much as I am in her. A change seems to be event because patience is indeed a virtue in this situation. I have been a firm believer that if I was to be interested in another woman the way that I am now that I would take it as slow as possible. For those who know me, know how aggressive of a person I can be -- it's in my nature. So, for me to change my ways is a good sign of the direction that I wish to take in my life currently.

Others wish to have that same feeling. A song that recently was introduced to me was, "Cater 2 U," by Destiny's Child -- that song is what EVERY man wants at least ONCE! But I'm getting off subject.

I am not a deeply religious person, I admit that. I am willing to learn, which differentiates me from most people. But what do you do when you are a devout person trying to go about getting into a relationship slowly and try to do it the "right" way? Can feelings be invested if you've never laid eyes on this person? Does love blossom under the conditions that I will go into detail about?

A friend of mines is in love. A beautiful feeling if anything. She insists that he is in love with each other and that they will be indeed be together for a long time. That he is... "the One." One thing stopping me from saying that that is true -- she's never seen him. She's never been in his presence. She doesn't have his phone number. She contacts him through means of e-mails and instant messager messages. He calls her, but not on a regular basis. Can love blossom through those means? One would say that communication is the key to making a relationship work, but if that is the only means without a visual aid -- is it worth doing the work if there is no payoff?

I am good friends with this Sistah -- she is a good person. Don't know the history of whom she may have been in her younger days, but what she says that she is doing to better herself is indeed admirable. I feel sad that she doesn't see what is right in front of her face -- meaning the truth about her "relationship". Mind you, I am not trying to condemn or put hate upon the relationship -- if she finds some type of satisfaction from it that she can be happy with, then more power to her. But I would hope that some type of common sense is being applied to the rules and regulations of a "relationship". I really hope the best for her and her union because she is making progress as a person and to put her hopes into something that is NOT stable is something that may make or break her relationship with the Lord.

What would you do? Questions remain the height of the relationship. More doubt and cloudiness are more involved than quality time and intimate moments. If a man cannot be open with you and still be able to profess the love for another -- is it true? Is it genuine? Is there a story to be told? A lie can continue to be expressed if distance is lengthened. I really hope that it is not true, that this brotha can open himself up because she is in "love" with the faceless man. No trial, no tribulation can outlast those whom you deeply love. If this is true -- God-willing -- then, no problems should be had by both my friend and her mate, as far as this certain issue is concerned. But if not, use your judgement, do NOT get wrapped up in words -- because words are shallow when expressed with no meaning or intent.

But the question still remains -- what would YOU do?

Friday, November 26, 2004

"When The Lights Go Out?!!?"

-- November 26th, 2004 --


It is funny how family can be the end of an era. Ol' Dirty Bastard (born Russell Jones) passed away not too long ago. He left this World without naming a benefactor -- no will whatsoever. He didn't make plans to make sure that his family and others would be taken care of in the event of his demise. Sad, but true. My "second" Father, Doc, had a discussion with me a while ago. During this conversation he said to me, "What do you do when the lights go out?"

Now, he was using this in reference to when his power went out and the fact that he kept a lot of lanterns stored for just in case something like that was to happen. But let's dwelve deeper.

"What do you do when the lights go out?"

We as Black folks might be ill-prepared for what life has prepared for us and moreso when we close our eyes for good. How many people do you know have a Will and Testament prepared...? How many people know about their health premium? Or insurance policy? Do you know the fundamental things that it takes to live this life? Not just concerning life and death... just the day to day rigors itself?

I can honestly say that I do not fit into that category. I do not know. Most people know how to get insurance, which I am pretty sure that it's not hard. But myself and a lot of my friends live in the bubble of that we're young and still invincible and that when we get 30-plus that that is when we will start making arrangements and whatnot. I believe that this is a cultural thing. I am assuming in all honesty that White folks do not have that problem. That a child's parents makes sure that this is established long before they reach the age to worry about it and that when they are nearing that age they are informed in the steps that they have to take in order to make sure everything is "take care of." I fall into that percentage of the uninformed. I no longer wish to be in that bracket. My parents didn't instruct me on my health insurance, only to say that you aren't going to be on mines when you turn such-and-such age. I don't know how to go about constructing a will. A part in why I don't is because I am only a newly-turned 22 year old, what possessions if anything do I have to leave behind. What assets? Property? Nothing in my 22 years have amounted to anything. That is indeed sad.

A book referred to me by an old friend which I haven't had the time to get yet was, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad," if anyone has heard or read this book, please give me a review. I understand the fundamental differences between Blacks and Whites, and notice that it doesn't boil down to race in this matter. It basically is based upon those who are prepared and those who are unprepared. With the approaching new year and with new goals on my horizon, one of my long-term goals is to be prepared to change the habits of old and grow forward into a better plateau. So that when my lights eventually go out it doesn't last long for those who still remain in the house after I'm gone.

"Turkey Days, Cops, Girls... and Other Stuff..."

-- November 26th, 2004 --

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to all those who enjoyed and celebrated the occasion. One thing remains the same over all of my years of feasting at the dinner table with Black folks -- Black people KNOW they can eat some food! I mean -- the macaroni and cheese was inhaled last night!!! Anyways, Thanksgiving was somewhat a depressing moment because I was not with MY family on that day. My family didn't do anything for Thanksgiving, no cooking, no turkey, no cranberry sauce -- so I went with my "sister" to eat with her family and get my fill. Aside from that, it was a great moment. A feeling that I wished I could've felt with those who are my family.

It sucks to have family been miles and miles away. All my extended family live in Louisiana. The last time I recall being down there was when my Grandmother passed away (R.I.P.) -- the last time anyone of my family came up here was when my cousin had a game in Detroit and they were just passing through. It lightweight sucks that we all can't be close like I am with most of my friends whom I consider as family. But I guess that is the way that things go.

In other news, I was AGAIN stopped by the police -- nothing majorly happened, it's just that I have an extreme distaste for the "Boys".

If you do not know the power that you, Black women, have over the mind, body, and spirit of a Black man -- then just check this out.

Turkey Jam was a big thing at this club -- my friends and I went with the inclination that we were going to get up in there and wreck shop. I was there with the Neo-Que's and the Neo-Kappas since I was friends with all them so we get there and the line is down wrapped around the block. The police said that the line was crowding the door and that no one would get in until everyone moves back. Yet, they allowed LeBron's james HS teammates to walk right in no problem. So, people move back but not enough to the satisfaction of the officers and the security staff -- so the police said that no one was getting in... GO HOME! 3/4th of the people bounced out due to frustration and frostbit. We STILL stayed -- my friends just wanted to go in and dance, just get one twurk. I was good. I would've been better off chillin' at the house instead of chillin' with my fingers and toes becoming numb. It was about one o'clock and the club closes about 2:45-3:00. Go figure. Add on the fact that they're taxing the door and it costs like 15 dollars to get in. Would YOU want to go in? I didn't. But they kept seeing the fine phillies through the glass window and wanted to be a part of it. It wasn't money coming out of my pocket anyway, so it was cool whatever we did.

About 1:30 -- they started letting people in and we were a part of that bunch. I get up to the security guy and this is what happened...

Security: "You can't come in with those pants on..."

-- I was wearing some sweatpants...

Me: "Man, we've been waiting here since 12, patient with y'all, moving farther and farther back, still about to walk up in there and pay 20 DOLLARS for about an hour and a half worth of dancing -- and you telling me that I can't get in?!!!!?"

Security: "...yep!"

Me: "You cocky, sonuva---"

Security: "What'd you say?" [menacing look]

Me: "I guess I'll be leaving now..."

Man, them dudes just wanted to be close to some Black females, paid twenty dollars to do so, and was right back out within the next hour. Y'all Sistahs have it good. :)

Hope that everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and got their full. College students make sure you bring back those good leftovers back to the dorm. Be Blessed and Stay Righteous.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"Hurts So Bad, It Feels Good"

-- November 23rd, 2004 --

A friend once told me that once you've loved a Black woman with more than what is in your pants -- that it's hard to shake her from your system. Maybe then that is why some men put themselves in the predicament that they do? It must hurt to love someone but not able to love them fully 100 and 10 percent of your heart. To constantly have them come to you and be a part of your daily routine, but in the back of your mind you are somewhat annoyed at their increasingly bad habits, lazy demeanor, or inherit lack of trust that they show to you on the daily.

Worst that you've spent the bulk of your teenage years going into your adult stages still attached to a person who shows no real signs of changing. Or has the type of change where they say that THIS is what I'm going to do and they do it for one to two months and then they revert back to the same old tried and true self. You constantly feel addicted to their touch and generally are predisposed to wanting to be with the person. But for some reason... you cannot commit... Whether it be infidelity or otherwise, something is tugging at your heart not to let it go asunder. But will you adhere to that sign? Love is a powerful drug. And loving someone with your heart is as similar to shooting up drugs into the vein. The rush is indescribable. It's hard to tear yourself away from something that you've known for a large amount of time. Hence the reason why most people rarely REALLY stray from the person who captured their heart to begin with.

I was a victim at the time I was with my ex. This was long ago. I broke the bond that held us together. We were heading in two different paths -- she was still stuck on B2K, fights, and trying not to get put in juvie. I was expanding, thinking about our culture as Blacks, and trying to learn more about who I am as a Man. No conversation flowed forth from our lips. I was instantly angered when in her presence. The feeling may have been mutual. It may have became a who can use who type situation -- I don't know. But an event that happened back in the day made me believe in the power that is -- LOVE. It was this event that made me understand that anything can hurt so bad, that in the end -- somehow -- you feel good. Let me explain.

My ex and I were on the outs. We still talked. Thought that we were going to "work it out" -- in hindsight, that was never going to be, not on her part nor mines because there wasn't any "soul" left in the relationship. It was going to be my first time going to New York and I gave that trip up to help her get Driver's license. On the way down there, I was cool -- bumping the latest joint by Jay-Z and enjoying the Summer breeze. But the minute that she stepped into my car an icy feeling gripped the whole tripped to the DMV. No words were said. Hardly any movement except for shifting in the seat or adjusting the seatbelt or me occasionally changing the radio station. It was like a dreary feeling had placed itself in that vehicle. Time had passed. Made it to the DMV where she eventually failed her driver's test. I had to drive back to her house to drop her off. Angered because I gave up a trip to New York all so that she could fail to get her license didn't help either, because now she wanted to "try" and be cordial, when previously, my attempts at trying to get her to understand about manueverability were refuted vehemently. So... upon reaching her home... letting her out of the car... she came across and gave me a hug.

It was at that point where the mood changed. The monkey seemingly hopped off of our backs -- I didn't want to let her go. The love had welled up in my heart again off of a single touch of her body pressed on my. But my face held the truth. It was sheer confusion as to why would I, of all people, feel like this...?!!? I mean I was angry, upset, PISSED!!! Now, I was at ease?!!? She saw the look on my face and asked, "What was wrong?" But I didn't know how to put it into words. I told her that that would be the last time that she would see or speak to me though. Wrong, maybe? But something was telling me that the relationship was no longer right and that was a BIG SIGN!!!

So, I understand what some of my male friends may be going through. Wanting to leave behind someone who you thought had the potential to be your everything. But when the signs are written on the wall in fluorescent paint -- it's time to say goodbye. The hardest part of all. Because who wants to let someone go who may essentially care about you as a person. Furthermore, someone who is intimate with you where friends, associates, and family members cannot be. But, if you are constantly arguing, trying to run for the gate -- wishing to escape, and then stop once you're on the brink of freedom... then understand one thing...

Love has a hold on you... and isn't going to let go of your heart anytime soon. Sucks because a relationship holds circumstances that could hurt your heart so bad, but can feel good in the blink of an eye.

"Updates" Part II

-- November 23rd, 2004 --

Yes, I haven't written in this for awhile. I was celebrating my birthday since last Thursday. For those who know me or those who are getting to know me -- understand that I love this time of the year. I look at it like it's a Holiday. Well, anyways... I figured that I should clue y'all into my whereabouts for the past week or so.

Thursday -- I went out on a date (for those who read the piece about my sabbatical, trust and understand that I am taking my time with this one...) -- it was great. I was actually NERVOUS. That doesn't happen too often, so she has to be someone that I figure is unique. The University sponsored a free showing of Alexander before it was to be released nationwide in theaters -- students got free tickets. So, I had a few free tickets and invited her to come with... We get there and it was sold out. I decided that we should see "Saw" -- no point in wasting a trip, especially if I'm paying... :)

Great movie. If you have a chance -- go see it. In my opinion, it's better than "The Grudge" -- I'm a big suspense, "who done it," type of guy. One of my favorite movie's of all times is "The Usual Suspects" and "Seven", this movie was right up my alley. For those who seen it know how annoying that doll is... Funny, how people who are sooooo "gangsta" when they go in the movies, become a punk during the scary stuff. So... the date and I had fun. She showed interests... which was good...

Friday -- This was the culmination of the Que's Founder's Week. I had performed some of my poetry at the "Women's Appreciation Night" which was also slick. But on Friday... it was all about the Apollo Night. It was in the Ballroom -- much more spacious than where it was held the year before... so the boo's were more potent and vile... Black folks need to do more than be able to sing and dance for a talent. ...And there was... the miscellaneous rappers... Oh, my gawrsh, we're dying by the hundreds. It was hilarious though. I couldn't boo -- I guess I believe in karma. But I know that in my mind I was hoping that someone would take more than half of these lames off the stage. Some people in particular should just hang it up and stick to attaining that degree... but, who am I to judge...?

*Sidenote: Black folks in College can NEVER have an African-American Idol, because they're more inclined to rank on people rather than judge them accordingly.

After the Apollo Night, I went to the Robin Hood to go see my best friend Jelani (pictured below) stroll...

He's proud about being a Kappa and that's cool -- but it was WAY too packed at the Robin Hood. It only fits about 350 people, there was a lot more than that. I extremely dislike having to get through a sea of people over and over again JUST to dance. Let there be SOME type of space. So, I bounced out. Try to call ol' girl and she was asleep, so I went to sleep.

Saturday -- [In Dave Chappelle voice] "It's a celebration, BITCHES!!! I can never be traditional, we threw a little party on Saturday to celebrate my Birthday after midnight on Saturday. It was good. Earlier in the day, G.P. came down to see me and we spent most of the day hanging out. Always cool to be around someone who is unique. Well... she cheated at pool, won one game of air hockey (I won the other game), and walked around campus until we reached Chipotle's. I ate, she watched. We took pictures. Joked and laughed. Went to hang out with my boy Kent -- he, of course, had company. My sister, Samantha, was there...

*Sidenote: She got me this ill Malcolm X t-shirt. Thanks again!!!

It was shaping up to be a great birthday winning weekend for K-Star. We hung out for a while, texting G.P. in-between downs of College Football 2005 for Playstation 2. Oh.. I forgot, Ivana -- shouts out to you as well -- she got me, "The Spook Who Sat By The Door," -- the book (I had wanted the DVD) -- but, it's still all well and good, got to read and keep the temple strong. :)

So, after PS2, me and G.P. went back to my house and watch "The Butterfly Effect." I had already seen it (or so I thought), and she was interested in the movie.. she kind of got lost, but it wasn't nothing too bad... But I guess it had an alternate ending, because I hadn't seen that ending. The ending I had seen was different than the one we were watching at the time. But all well and good. We started watching something else and the flirting was good. I'm the master of the flirt! :)

....It was then.... we kissed... it was soft, yet passionate -- becoming strong over the course of our lips being united. :) Okay, too much information...

We go back to the dorm where the party is already starting and popping off for me, you know!! Associates, those who I am cool with, friends, and those who are close like family to me are all in my presence as I walk up and down using my birthday as the excuse as to why I should be granted everything under the Sun. After the stroke of midnight, it was officially my DAY!!! My birthday!!! :) G.P. bounced out to head back home. We STILL talked after she got home for about an hour or so. It's great right now. I hope that it lasts.

We partied till about 5 o'clock in the morning. Passed out. My hyperactive self woke up at 8:36 in the morning and played GTA: San Andreas until everyone else woke up.

Sunday -- Was treated to a birthday breakfast and a treat of food until I had my full. I got "Van Helsing" on DVD as a gift, the Malcolm X t-shirt, money, a couple of e-cards, some real cards, it was great! Still got some more gifts on the way. My birthday was great. I really enjoyed it.

Well, that was a little bit of what has been up. I'll try to write more when I get the chance to. Be Blessed and Stay Righteous, y'all...

Sunday, November 07, 2004

"A Beautiful Struggle"

-- November 7th, 2004 --

"...But she a Gemini, so stay on that friendly side,
She'll put that look on you that's like someone's friend just died..."

Talib Kweli -- "Black Girl Pain"

Shouts out to my friend J for the picture. :)

Relationships take work. Hard work. You have to be about your business in every sense of the word. Funny how life revolves around similarities. A few months ago, I was going through that whole "funk" about why am I single... oh, woe is me type mess. But gone are those days.

A new day is dawning...

It surprises me as to how many people do not value what a relationship truly is. This is not talking from just a "Maury Povich" perspective. Those who I have let in or around my inner circle have subtly acknowledged the things that I see in them. Doesn't make sense? Well, let me paint the picture.

My friend constantly goes through the trials and tribulations of a relationship that he's not even in. I mean -- him and his chick are on-and-off -- hence the problem that he continually puts himself in. He's not with her. So... some of the things that he goes through isn't really necessary. Like tonight for instance -- she was wondering about his whereabouts, upset that he didn't call her, and furious that he spent his time with someone who was considered a friend.

It is interesting to see what we will put ourselves through in the name of "love". All of this has been an eye-opener to me, in regards of what I now know what my limits are now -- being single... BUT have no earthly idea what I would put up with if I was in love. I know what I let slide by and what I hid deep down in my heart when it occurred, but who's to say that it is different after three years? I would only hope and believe that I wouldn't have to go through what others go through in a relationship to THAT extreme.

Which makes me come to the conclusion that I may not be all THAT ready for a relationship. But will welcome "dates" as they come along. :) I want to be able to give the strength and commitment that the woman whom I'm with deserves. I also want to be able to have that sense of self to understand that a woman whom I choose to spend time with would appreciate me as much as I do her. But all of this is meaningless right now, seeing as how I am not being approached in that manner. :)

It's all good though, because life... love... all in all, is a beautiful struggle (thanks for the quote, Kweli) -- and I am going to enjoy it all as it comes. (Seventeen more days till my 22nd B-Day -- those who know me know where to send gifts, those who wish to do the same, get at me!)

On a final note -- to you... I want to let you know that I am interested in you. My curiosity is peaked by more than your physical. As I would hope to not be in the same vein as those other "Scorpios" who have infiltrated your past. I write this in hopes that I am not rushing into anything other than creating a more fulfilled and genuine friendship between two like-minded individuals.

Sidenote -- Since you are stealing my idea... I have to keep SOME type of tabs on you. :)

Lastly, I would like to know that I will do my best to try and not be like others, but still respect you and be honest with you like all the rest do and should.

Friday, November 05, 2004


-- November 5th, 2004 --

It's been a minute since I last posted something, so I'll give you some updates.

Voted. It was my first time voting for a Presidential Candidate. The media blitz had been intense since May. I was working for a company that was trying to bring awareness to a progressive candidate (i.e. Kerry). Puff was threatening death to people who didn't cast their vote. Michael Moore came to my campus to reinterate the importance of our vote and that Bush is indeed a stupid white man in office. The Youth was backed by BET, MTV, anyone who wished to put a spotlight on the 18-23 year old demographic and tap into their hopes and fears unlike any other election prior to. All in hopes of getting everyone with the ability to vote to do so.

...then, in the end...


Hmph!!! All that effort flushed down the drain for what? Some damn "VOTE OR DIE" T-Shirts. I mean now that basically everyone's hopes have been shattered -- how do you get them to vote in four years?

...Moving on...

Congratulations to my boys for crossing those burning sands of Omega Psi Phi. I took this picture when they were doing their probate show (or pro-show). It was live. I mean I don't know how many people have ever been to one, but if you ever get a chance to see one, it's interesting to be a part of one. Catchphrase of that night was, "The Truth is in the BUILDING..." Oh, another one that had people singing that whole night and a few days afterwards was...

"I used to drive a Cadillac...
...But my DP took it back...
Now, I drive a Chevrolet...
Cause I'm pledging EVERYDAY!!"


Is the West Coast back?!!?

Forget what you heard... scrap anything that was left in your mind a few months back. Detox is back on! I'm glad to be hearing that Dre will be putting out his final album before he just focuses on producing. For those that do not know about Detox -- listen to The Game's album when it drops -- some of the beats that were to be used for the album will be on his featured debut. Is it just me or is Aftermath shaping up to be quite a powerhouse. Busta Rhymes & Flipmode Squad, 50 Cent & G-Unit, Slim Shady, Eve, Stat Quo, Sha Money XL -- Dre himself... Business will be good for this quarter and next quarter releases.

....Last, but not least!!!

What more can I say?!!?

Live the hype! See the truth unfold in front of your eyes... Look as there WAS peace and harmony between Jay-Hov and R. Kellz. I am a BIG Jay-Z fan, if there ever was one, nah'mean! I had to buy "Streets is Watching" when it came on DVD, but anyways -- if this is showing in a theater near you, go peep it. It's not where I'm at and I'm lightweight salty, but when/if comes out on DVD -- I WILL COP!

That is all for the updates... I'll be back soon enough. Be Blessed & Stay Righteous.