Saturday, September 25, 2004

"Relationships Can Be A Form Of Suicide"

-- Sept. 25th, 2004 --

The stare from across the room. Palms sweaty... nervous... words seem to not be able to come out right. She notices you. You notice her. A smile. Perceptive, you take the initiative to approach her. Making sure all things are in order -- you speak. She laughs, flirts, entices you with her charisma. You assume that she is interested in your charm. A chance is born to be blown in the wind. A relationship is ignited in the guise of a friendship. The beginning months are spent happy-go-lucky, laughing at the corny jokes that only you and her find funny. Finding places to go that are only interesting to the both of you. No attention is being paid to the "others" -- the ones who are determined to separate your union. Trials and tribulations have strengthened your resolve within the confines of your relationship. You both take this journey with a delicacy acknowledged as trust and respect for one another. The intent of each other's actions is clear. "She was made for me..." "He is my air..." are statements reported to friends and family members. Total acceptance of each other is the end result. Her annoying habits are tolerable. His smart remarks are considered witty. Together you both remain happy. Yes, you both have your rough moments -- the "others" never leave, in fact, they gain strength off of the happiness you both share.

Your patience will be tested as enemies will be disguised as best friends or close confidants, admiring strangers, and tempters who will all have something to say that is wrong with your relationship. Family members may not always accept the path that you choose to take with your life. Father vehemently disapproves of the man that you chose to spend time with. His mother thinks that you are a bad influence... or even worst, she thinks that you are a hussie. Yet, the twinkle in her eyes is worth it. The sound of his voice as his lips form the words, "I love you," are priceless. The evenings spent together are an adventure in itself, as the outside world becomes a distant memory. The two of you spend an insurmountable amount of time, money, and space -- together. Through all the hardships of gaining one's trust, maintaining and nuturing the relationship, fending off those who wish for you falter, and STILL be able to look your Love in the eye and have the strength of character to fight for her, to comfort him in times of need -- is an amazing feat indeed.

That is... until... the late night phone calls he begins to receive late in the night. The times that you find out that she is not where she said she was going to be. The attitudes change. The mood shifts. Your heart plays a game of hot and cold. No longer do you look at the "others" from a distance. They are at your doorstep. Trying to crumble the foundation that you've spent years with her trying to establish. You question everyone's motive, as she does yours. It is no longer safe to smile, as it is to be perceived that you're up to something or that you've already done something that you weren't supposed to do. She approaches your whole being awkwardly. Her kiss doesn't feel the same. It's as if your heart isn't into it anymore. Suspicion clouds your every judgement. Finally, the truth of the matter -- his heart may have belonged to you, but his body was someone else's property. A close friend, imperfect stranger, doesn't matter -- your heart has been delivered an earth-shattering blow. Angered, drunk... whatever diagnosis you wish to place -- she sleeps with a neighbor, friend, stranger, still doesn't matter -- actions spoke louder than the tears that flowed.

Your love begins to play tag with the other's heart. Feelings of, "Just leave and never come back!!" to "...don't go..." are often uttered after shouting competitions or passionate love-making sessions. Doubts and speculation repeatedly flirt with your mind -- questioning your actions as you take her back. As you let him back into your life. You begin to adopt the "Me Against the World" philosophy as friends and family see that he is not the most healthiest person to have in your life. When others begin to attack your actions -- your stance is protective, while your heart handles the brunt of the truth that you don't wish to adhere to. Pride and half-hearted love are like oil and vinegar they do not mix. Nor do they hear the pleads of those who feel they have your best interests in mind. So... you stay with her, as friends walk out the door to leave you to your own devices. Family angrily states their position. Leaving you to choose. The love is on life-support. Given shots through rigorous libido exercises. The daily routine is a former shell of what you were used to as you place your make-up on to mask the tears he's given you after breaking your heart... one... more... time...

Confusion steps in as others begin to creep closer to your heart as your significant other is on the outs. The "others" words are foreign -- saying things like, "Trust... respect..." They begin to awake feelings that you've held down with all of your might. After having shards of your heart flirt with the hardwood floor -- YOU HAVE ENOUGH!!! Your heart shatters -- becoming frigid to the touch of anyone who dares to attempt to give a warm glance. Having a soul become isolated from love's happiness -- because you dared to challenge the World's negativity. A self-suicide because the one you loved no longer loved who you were.


Blogger Dayrell said...

I don't know if I would necessarily say relationships are a form of suicide, but, "can be sooo complicated & twisted (at times) that they may often be mistakenly interpreted that way" that I 'would' say :)

September 28, 2004 at 9:30 AM

Blogger K-Star said...


I was being facetous with the word "suicide" -- the way it was to be used in this article is that you aren't the same person you were in the beginning as you are in the end. The person you were dies and becomes united with another. If that relation doesn't work out.. that new person you become also dies -- you are forced to find out who you are again, depending on how committed the relationship is and how strong the feelings are between the two. But besides that -- this joint was well-written, don't you think?

September 28, 2004 at 2:08 PM

Blogger Dayrell said...

Oh ok. I got you. ;)

And yes, I would have to agree. Very well written indeed my brotha.

September 30, 2004 at 3:50 PM

Blogger jirzygurl said...

OMG!!! this is so true. I am going through something so similar to this right now... I can't even tell you how this touched my little heart. beautiful and sorrowful all at the same time... I really felt like you were talking directly to me...

October 4, 2004 at 9:40 AM


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