Friday, August 20, 2004

"To Love Is To Cry"

-- August 20th, 2004 --

Congratulations to Chester "Lyfe" Jennings for coming out with his highly anticipated album -- Lyfe 268-192 (his prison ID). For those who aren't hip on this up-and-coming brotha from Toledo, Ohio -- should've checked out him winning the Apollo -- FIVE TIMES -- winning the competition, with his song (that appears on the album) -- "Cry". I cannot stop raving about this Brotha -- hearing his CD (released Aug. 17th, 2004) -- from beginning to end is a feel good story about this man's life full of trials and tribulations -- something that we all go through. Well, enough about Lyfe -- go cop that CD, please it's a great listen.

Continuing on...


The feeling that every Man runs from and every Woman imagines from day one is a feeling that hasn't blessed me with its presence in a long time. True, I have the love from close friends and my Mother -- but, there is that elusive love that I am feeling. A part of me feels that it may be how I feel or have a lack of feeling towards religion and my confusion about that. But another part is the emptiness of not having someone on my side. This is not to say that my friends and family are not on my side -- but we all know that the closest person to you (besides God) is that significant other. Am I partially saying that I want to be in a relationship again? Yes and no. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like I was in the past -- or at least the ending of that relationship I don't want to ever endure again. But I would want to know that my inner feelings can be shared with someone who can vocally emphasize with me. This is where the love of the Lord and the love of a Woman intertwine. I am beginning to believe that it is I who have the problems. I weigh those burden on myself subconsciously to where I diagnose them as thinking that it's "the other person" or they must have something wrong with them to not like me -- but I believe that people see something lacking in me that turns them away. Whether that be appearance, personality, money, et cetera -- the fact remains that I have only in a few instances met people who have (at least) genuinely appreciated the Man that I am. But I am in hope of becoming the Man that I want to be -- but have no direction on where to go.

I honestly believe that the love that you have for the Lord transmits into the love that you can have for your family, significant other, hell -- anybody if you choose to. So, I feel that I have that within my soul -- it's just other demons that I am wrestling with that I either do not choose to confront or don't know how to exorcise. I once thought that the belief or hope that another had in another would strengthen the character of the chosen recipient. I need the belief and strength of another to carry me across these troubled waters I am currently floating upon. I believe that I can and HAVE changed -- I do not want to stop the process, I just want to be the Man that I believe that I can become...


It's been twenty-one years, nine months, six days since I last really spoke to you. I have been labeled, I have been miscarried, discarded, ignored, hated by people who I have admired. Not only in my Family -- but friends as well, or people who I thought were friends. I have been in love with someone who was in love with me as well. Was even contemplating marriage and the whole children thing. I have been forgotten about, lied upon -- even lied about myself in my life. I have errors and flaws in my life -- some I know and others that are still hidden beneath the surface. I have problems, some I admit to, others that I feel I have overcame. Sometimes I just want to cry, other times I don't ever want to wake up. Right now, I feel like the first time I saw "The Color Purple" -- you know, the scene where Sista-girl caught the spirit while being in the juke joint and sung, "God's Trying To Tell You Something," all the way back to the Church. Symbolic, isn't it? I thought I had made my pilgrimage the same way -- but I've been mistaken. I have not been committed to being a Man of the Lord, let alone a Man -- in my opinion. I have been discouraged in following His footsteps, hell, I'm not a Saint. Damn sure, not the worst this life had to offer, but I really don't want this hole in my heart. I want to cry my pain away. I want to redirect my course, not just by my actions concerning my career, but my path set in making an example on how to love -- not just your family and significant other, but to love yourself, your beautiful, Black race, but to love life. Lyfe summed it up nicely...

"Made Up My Mind"

1st Verse:
Lord, they really think they fooling you, by coming to church on Sunday/
Praying and laying hands on folks stomping and jumping around faking the holy ghost/
But it's a thin line between walking it and talking it/
Living it and giving it or just pretending it's alright/
And did they think that they really think that they could pull the wool over your eyes, Lord?/
Did they really think that by faking they were saved that they would get the same reward/
This be the realest thing I ever wrote for sure/
After this a lot of folks won't like me no mo'/
But after this I gotta answer to you, Lord/
So, I've made up my mind, I'ma go to Chuch on Sunday/
And sing a song that may hurt somebody's feelings so that maybe/
Thy will will be done/On Earth as it is in Heaven/And hopefully they will see/
How much they really be discouraging a little old sinner like me...

The way that I have been feeling lately, hell -- these past few years on and off have been a sure sign that a change is definitely coming, needed desparately for me to continue to make strides in my life, so I can be a help to other's just like me. So, for those who know me or are getting to know me -- I am striving for a better change in my life, because the people who have been placed in my life are there for a certain reason -- and other's who have faded or looked at me sideways have already shown their true colors, in my opinion. I thank those who have stuck by me and I love you -- whether it is the beginning of our friendship or a continuation.

Be Blessed & Stay Righteous -- K. Clark


Blogger Dayrell said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Great post! I just have one thing to stress about LOVE though. It seems in your post that you desire to share this (not from family or friends) but from a significant other of some sort. A "very" compatible person. Or better yet, a spliting image of your inner being perhaps. However, in my opinion, it seems that the things you desire most, always seem to hit you when you least expect them to. For instance, as you're squinting heavily while the sun's in your eyes, or when you're sleeping past your ringing alarm clock on an important Monday morning, or perhaps, as you're sitting at "Corner Stone" all by yourself (eating ice cream) on a Sunday afternoon b/c nobody was around to go with you... In other words, my advice to you is... good patience is greatly valued! Good things always come to those you wait. And, as I've witnessed by the expressionalisms of your character, I see that you are a very potent person. So I'm almost certain (without a doubt) that you will get all that you desire...True enough. :)

August 31, 2004 at 9:20 PM

Blogger K-Star said...

The thing is though -- when it comes, will it be ready for who I am and what I have to offer (what little it may be). We as African-Americans seemingly have become so materialistic (or at least that is my thinking when it comes to the opposite sex) that it wouldn't even surprise me that the woman who meets my criteria STILL wouldn't want to be with me because of things lacking.

September 2, 2004 at 2:22 AM

Blogger Dayrell said...

But, my question to you is: Why would ANY women who "finds things lacking" in you (as you say)...even be considered as meeting "your" CRITERIA in the first place? I'm sort of confused here. LoL.

In my opinion, the outcome of one's love life all boils down to the choices "they" make. If you choose poorly, this will be your ending result. But, if you choose love with the right person, then how can you go wrong? Plus, the chances of you finding love is not hopeless you know.

Reason being: Not "all" African-American females are materialist (or any other remotely negative trait men claim about the opposite sex) at the matter. Believe it or not, there are actually many decent, beautiful African-American females out there who are FAR from materialistic in terms. Speaking as one of the female species, I know this for a fact. Not saying that you specified the "all" in comment, but, just to let it be known.

Therefore, in knowing this, I believe that hope for love is still in your favor. And, like I said before, patience (especially when pertaining to one's love life), will get your further then anything else will. Speaking from experience. ;)

September 5, 2004 at 3:55 AM


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