Friday, July 23, 2004

"Ahh... Memories...."

-- July 23rd, 2004 --

If you who are viewing this right now can see this image -- the story behind this was unique, in my opinion. This picture was taken Fall Semester of 2002 at Kent State University. Myself (in red), my "brothers" -- Jelani and Jabari (Twins), my boy Marquis, Alicia, and some random copycat fellow were all on the way to Renaissance Ball. Renaissance Ball is like a Black Beauty pageant on Campus. It was interesting that year because you get to see Black folks get all dapper-danned up and crisp to the T. Wow -- the girls, ahh... the memories.

At the age that I am, it feels like more should've been accomplished. I am in the company of those who have gone on to enrich their lives in one form or another. I am introducing myself to those who make genuine strides in their own careers and are younger than I am. The air of change is making itself known -- the question is do I take hold of the reigns and see where "it" decides to take me. Successes are born or are they made? Is a question I pose to you, the reader, because I believe that they are made through strenuous trial and tribulation. Over the course of the past few weeks since an incident with the police awhile ago -- my thoughts look at my surroundings. It seems that we're always fighting to find a place in this World -- and those who aren't willing to put up a fight easily get lost. Seemingly, I am beginning to feel that I am living in the "land of the lost". Ever since I crossed the threshold of becoming 18 -- I swear that I have seen the same face over and over again frequenting the clubs, sporting events, or holiday festivals steadily changing in age and appearance, but still the same person. No life, limited accomplishments, a string of disappointments, a seed to take care of, incarcerated -- seems to be the trend of those who were my peers and accompanying students over the past four years in High School. Now, surely, I know what you're thinking, "That's them -- not you, why are you even worried?" Because -- for 19 out of the 21 years that I have been a resident -- not only on this planet -- but here in Ohio, I have been in the same place. Hard not to think that you'll be anywhere else when you've been minimal in your travels, your experiences. A colleague once told me that, "the real test is abroad -- no matter who or what you may have been a Smalltown U.S.A., your hometown, wherever -- the truth is... what do you do when you leave?" Another friend said to me, "I would never give up the life that I had being in a city where it's ever-changing, it makes it so that I always have to stay on my toes and stay... ever-changing." I took those two comments into consideration.

My memories -- my friends, immediate family are all within the confines of a college town, NEVER-changing. Do not get me wrong -- those included are all people who in their own right are doing something for their own benefit and success. So, is it wrong for me to think that my path lies elsewhere? For a while, my fear was leaving these significant people behind -- a fear that they would forget me and things would change. Hence I stayed, becoming a stronger person in some rights, but I can't help but to feel that something else is out there awaiting me.
So, while cherishing memories of the past and now, am I not honoring the future by not tackling what I feel I should be trying to do with myself. Is it wrong to be selfish for one's self?

I love those who love me -- very much. As it may be hard to discern that for some, others know it all too clearly. But... I feel that if I do not venture out into the World and face it head-on, then my state of mind will be limited to what the press shows me through their lens, what papers reports, what "people" determine as ''truth". When all in all, I am searching for my voice, my truth, my ability to craft those talents for myself -- which is a feeling that I am continually faced with while being in familiar surroundings.

Ahh... the memories, one's past, many present, more to come -- but all shall be a memory one day. It's the decisions that one does to affect how that memory is perceived. God bear with me. Friends and family -- support me.


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