Monday, June 21, 2004

"Currently Understanding Things... Slowly..."

-- June 21st, 2004 --

"Nothing's new under the Sun..."

Love. Life. These two things go hand in hand. I mean it can be said that one without the other causes a drought in one's being. Think about it? How many times do people search for love or a "significant other" in their life? But why does it have to be necessary for there to be someone in your life, in order for you to live? Artists, musicians, celebrities, regular day-to-day folks all have that one thing in common -- Love. Losing it, working hard for its attention, dying for it, fighting tooth and nail for the recognition of its beautiful reward.

Would I say that I file into this category? Yes and no. I mean, as much as I would like to defy the norm at any compacity, I admit -- being alone sucks ass! Even though, these days and times, people are more prone to give it up at the drop of a hat... or is it dollar bill...? I have to say that even with that type of satisfaction being offered (sometimes necessarily, most times unwarranted) -- I'm still lonely. The reason why I offer my thoughts on Love is because I have experienced a few setbacks in my struggle with trying to attain the coveted prize. I recently visited a woman who has been my rib -- and have left changed.

I have been there for this woman at every possible avenue -- offering money when needed, advice at most, but I have been there. Our friendship flourished -- and not by chance, mostly through hardwork and sheer honesty. Well, upon the trip -- the whole goal was to be by her side, especially since I didn't hear from her during her most traumatic experience. Once I got there and saw her -- she was different... aged... as if the time spent going through the motions was a turmoil. Noticing this relatively young woman fighting a war, not only inside of her soul, but amongst others with whom she was attached to through the birth of her daughter -- was a heartache, something that I more accustomed to deal with over the phone rather than in person. But being there in person left me wanting. Wanting to know what was on her mind, wanting to be able to decipher her nuances and administer a diagnosis to her faults and shelter her from the trappings of unrealized possibilities, continuous struggle and mental anguish.

But to no avail, I couldn't help. That's where I felt the indifference. I mean, not to sound standoffish, but, this is a woman who I felt and still feel like she's the one who most clearly understands me. But after being around her and seeing the same things happening when I was around her last I had to re-tool my thinking. I mean... what Man likes to see the Woman of his affection always giving attention to the phone? Especially, if you don't see the person on a daily basis. That was and is my gripe about anyone I may be "interested" with -- if you are going to be knowingly busy or not able to give ample time to me, then TELL ME! Nothing is more annoying to be wanting to talk to someone while they're busy talking to someone else on the phone. Worst when you've driven over two-hundred miles to do so. In the back of my mind and the forefront of my heart, something was amidst. During the nights spent with her it was also evident of a change in the climate of our relationship. Yes, she's still honest and she's still loving and affectionate to me -- which speaks volumes knowing how she is concerning others in her life, but -- I want more. Is that wrong? I mean, we are as much alike as we are different (and there is not too much different, besides age and other things). I don't even want to be selfish sounding because I KNOW the trials that she goes through. I understand the battles that she has ahead and the constant struggle that she goes through that would make me want to slit my wrists. So, I applaud her charisma during the rough times, give her criticism when she feels that she is the best, and love her through the hurting times. But I feel like I'm the one giving... sometimes too much in my opinion. Coupled that with the fact that I lost out on knowing that someone truly liked me for me, through all my imperfections and really wanted to be with me, makes me look at this current situation even more skeptically.

Did I make a wrong decision? I mean -- a part of how I acted towards this other woman was because of how we first hooked up, as well as, how I feel/felt about my "rib". This "other" woman wasn't and isn't (at least right now) at comparable to my "rib". It can only be stated that she was more intent on getting me -- the object of her affection. Yes, I'm bragging lightweight -- but I made it known that I didn't want to "be" in a relationship. Partially, because I was waiting to see if my friendship/relationship with my "rib" would or could blossom into something more concrete. More labelled, I guess.

Labels -- kind of off subject, but we live in a World full of them. Modern jazz, Conscious Hip-Hop, et cetera. Are they a good thing? Or are labels used to confine and restrict the boundaries of things that we are apart of?

To summarize, with my "rib" I've experienced some of my most unparalleled joys and have been close to three-hundred miles apart from her. With my "stray" -- I have been close to, but not willing to let her in too deep with me because of my fears about trust and with the memory lingering of how we got together -- so does that mean that I am wrong or unsure about what I want? Or do I know and won't settle for anything less?


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